I wish I could stop thinking.

Well, I’m too young to talk about life. Most people have been through hell, makes me feel like I’m still in heaven, waiting for Allah to release me. Freak, am I making my own birth? 

People always have good sides. Sometimes, I hate to show mine, because when people see goods, they expect goods, and I don’t wanna live up people's expectation. But some-most-times, I do expect. I do expect people to do me any good. And when you want something from others, you have to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, understand what they want and need, then give it. 

Cause in order to get something, you have to give something. That’s a must for me, no excuse.

There are values, they said, norms, that became rules. People rule people. We all are trapped in the world full of rules. Sometimes I want to be free, living my own way. It always feels great when I’m alone, far from what we called “society”, I don’t have to see, to talk, to think, to care, to feel everything. Everything that seems getting harder to be trusted. (Then I realized, men, I still feel something. In the beginning of sentence I said I feel great about it -_-)

People warn other people, to keep everything on the lines, they said. But all I can see is they are just judging another, and another judging others.

Allah berfirman:

“Demi masa. Sesungguhnya manusia itu dalam keadaan merugi, kecuali orang-orang yang beriman, beramal saleh, dan mereka yang saling mengingatkan tentang kebenaran dan saling mengingatkan tentang kesabaran.'' (QS Al-Ashr [103]: 1-3).

Tidak ada yang salah dari firman Allah tersebut. Karena hanya Allah yang bisa aku percaya. At least my father said that to me when I was in kindergarten. That was weird actually, aku bahkan belum tahu Allah itu apa.  Cara manusia menafsirkan, memahami, dan mengaplikasikan firman Allah yang berbeda.That’s why my father said I should go find the “truths” myself, don’t ask anyone cause no one can be asked.

Then I started to write a list of my questions -afraid I can’t remember all those questions when I’m dead- and planning on asking them to Allah when I meet Him. It started with the first question, “Why fork is created by human not God?”. Ada sebuah ujian yang saya kerjakan ketika saya masih di Taman Kanak-Kanak, tentang mana benda ciptaan Tuhan, mana ciptaan manusia. I got a “D” for that test, while my friends got an “A” or at least “B”.  I got a fight with my kindergarten teacher after I received my score, debating how incredible fork is and that’s nonsense if there are many-I thought-incredible things created by human not God. I’m still working on that list until now, and that first question is still there. I don't intend to ask that question to anyone.

Then I realized, I trust no one.

But I also realized, I need people to trust me. And in order to get it, you have to give it. Then I'm starting to give it.

I wish I can make my own birth again,

but I’m way too afraid of what my life will be before I meet Allah.

Here I am, spending my life, sick of thinking what is wrong or right, who is wrong or right.

And that’s a saying, when you think more than you need, you will lose your mind.

I do think too much, they said.

But I’m not feeling I’m losing myself,

I just never knew who I was.

Who I am.

Who I will be.

And I’m feeling scared of thinking about them.

I wish could stop thinking.