Life is all about finding what your life really is.
They were really tiring, yet strongly-peaceful words at the same time.
When you are tired of finding yourself, you just can hold you breathe because you know you still have your entire life left-of finding.
But when you feel like you still can not find yourself, you know that you got your entire life to find it.
I am entering my third decade of my life.
I am feeling independent; stronger; maturer;
but I feel the world gets heavier, at the same time.
Because I haven't found what I really am, yet.
And I am afraid when I can not stand for something, I will fall for everything.
And I am afraid when I can not stand for something, I will fall for everything.
Going through the point, I am talking about my major I took.
I hate to say I regret the things I chose, it was not a good word to say to other people and also didn't do yourself any good at the same time.
The only thing I know, I chose to stay and fight.
But the more I am trying to fit in it, the more I am getting far away from sure.
Everything gets.....heavier.
I always have my faith that I can really pass it,
everyone does.
If we are wiilling to do.
But that means I need to give more of my three-most-precious-things I have:
waktu-tenaga-pikiran.
I just....can't.
Because when I give my all to that, I feel like I will lose everything:
sympathy, empathy, happiness, sadness, care, tolerance, sensitivity.
The only thing in my mind is how I can pass "that" and get my "scores", smoothly and perfectyly.
I feel I lose all the things that I need to keep me being human, till someday my biggest fear comes:
Allah takes my humanity away.
I know that I am still too young and I don't even know what is real.
But I know I never wanted anything so bad.
Uang, status sosial, tahta, popularitas, not really a concern.
Bit naive, yes.
But Allah knows my most selfish prayer is only this:
"Ya Allah, if I can not be the one who saves the world from war and spread Your loves, jaga aku tetap menjadi manusia, sampai di hari aku mati."
Manusia yang sebagaimana hakikat manusia yang Dia jelaskan dalam salah satu sabdanya:
"Dan carilah pada apa yang telah dianugerahkan Allah kepadamu (kebahagiaan) negeri akhirat, dan janganlah kamu melupakan bahagianmu dari (kenikmatan) duniawi dan berbuat baiklah (kepada orang lain) sebagaimana Allah telah berbuat baik, kepadamu, dan janganlah kamu berbuat kerusakan di (muka) bumi. Sesungguhnya Allah tidak menyukai orang-orang yang berbuat kerusakan." (QS AL Qashash : 7)
Dan dengan sempurna juga tertuang dalam:
”Orang yang paling dicintai Allah adalah orang yang paling bermanfaat buat manusia dan amal yang paling dicintai Allah adalah kebahagiaan yang engkau masukkan kedalam diri seorang muslim atau engkau menghilangkan suatu kesulitan atau engkau melunasi utang atau menghilangkan kelaparan. Dan sesungguhnya aku berjalan bersama seorang saudaraku untuk (menuaikan) suatu kebutuhan lebih aku sukai daripada aku beritikaf di masjid ini—yaitu Masjid Madinah—selama satu bulan. Dan barangsiapa yang menghentikan amarahnya maka Allah akan menutupi kekurangannya dan barangsiapa menahan amarahnya padahal dirinya sanggup untuk melakukannya maka Allah akan memenuhi hatinya dengan harapan pada hari kiamat. Dan barangsiapa yang berjalan bersama saudaranya untuk (menunaikan) suatu keperluan sehingga tertunaikan (keperluan) itu maka Allah akan meneguhkan kakinya pada hari tidak bergemingnya kaki-kaki (hari perhitungan).” (HR. Thabrani)
They said when you can not live the life you love, just try to love the life you live.
But I have reached the top of my sincerity to give all I have.
Sekarang aku mencari persimpangan,
tempat dimana aku dapat dengan berani, berbelok.
Ke jalan yang akan lebih aku cintai dan jalani dengan tulus.
Because even they said life is too short to take it slow,
I still need a lot to learn,
to be in rush.
P.S. I am thanking all my family for taking care of me as their child, grandchild, sister, and love and also lover. Dan tetap membebaskan aku sebagai satu individu manusia yang berdiri dengan hati dan akal serta pikiranku sendiri. Thanking for all their patient and love. They never fail me. They never will.
P.S. I am thanking all my family for taking care of me as their child, grandchild, sister, and love and also lover. Dan tetap membebaskan aku sebagai satu individu manusia yang berdiri dengan hati dan akal serta pikiranku sendiri. Thanking for all their patient and love. They never fail me. They never will.
